When I was a freshman in high school, I decided to tryout for the girl’s soccer team. It had been a dream of mine for a long time. I would show up every morning at 6 am during the summer for conditioning and practice. I had never worked so hard in my life!!! When it was time for tryouts, I felt really good about what I had done.

When the results were finally posted, I anxiously looked for my name. With dismay, I found my name on the JV list. Throughout the whole season, I sat on the bench and watched all of my friends play varsity. I wondered what I had done wrong and what I could have done better.

One day, I asked one of my coaches what I could do to be a better soccer player. He looked at me and said, “If you could lose some weight, you would be an awesome player!”

A life Changing Decision

From that moment on, I started a life changing journey of anorexia. I became so insecure with my body image. Everyday, I was consumed with the thought of ,”Lose weight! Lose weight!” I barely ate anything, and was constantly exercising. If you’re not quite sure about what anorexia involves, this article is very helpful.

Whenever I looked in the mirror, all I saw was fat. I would pull at different areas in my body, like my waist, and think, “If I could loose this, I would be happy.” The only hang up was that even though I lost weight, I was never truly happy; it was never enough.

No matter what I did, I never felt pretty or good enough. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that I had indeed made the varsity soccer team. Looking back, this was the thing that hurt me the most because I actually believed that I had made the varsity team because of my weight loss. Of course it was the endless hours of practice that made the difference.

Throughout high school, I struggled l with anorexia. I would always tell myself, “Once I lose this much weight, I can stop and go back to being normal.” It never was enough though.

Once out of high school, being anorexic became easier because I wasn’t living at home where I could be watched. It was easy to tell myself that I was really busy with finals, homework, dating etc. My obsession with not eating and exercising all day became more intense.

My LifeSaver

Then I met my husband. As soon as we got married, he realized that I had a problem and has continuously done so much to help me. Don’t get me wrong, there are days where I still look in the mirror and think, “I’m so fat, I’m so ugly.” But he steps in and shows me who I truly am.

Some days, I can look myself in the mirror and truly believe that I am beautiful. Other days, well other days I would rather just crawl back into bed. It takes great courage to to face a problem everyday.

It is a slow process to get rid of years and years of the mental abuse that I put myself through. The biggest thing I have SLOWLY learned is that I am beautiful the way I am and that I need to focus on the good things that I have. In order to love myself a little bit more, I follow a simple plan every day.